XI - The Mystery Arrives

10/2007
6 months..... 16 months..... try 29 months. I'm actually somewhat amazed that I'm still alive. Every day is a nightmare and a dream, and most days I'm surprised the nightmare doesn't take over and end me. But my heart keeps beating and oxygen continues to enter my bloodstream, and, even more miraculous, our new CD is finished! It has been a couple of weeks and I still am not processing it the way I expected to process it... and I probably never will. So much has changed. And yet another musical diary entry has been made. I have no idea what lies ahead for the band.... fuck, I don't even know what lies ahead for me. I have a beautiful almost-three-year-old son who needs me, and predictably that is pretty much all that sustains me from day to day. My marriage is a mess. I have no friends. I have no money. I have no vision. I do have a nice life insurance policy that I managed to secure before I mistreated my body to the point of near-death, so I can always end myself and leave a very nice sum of money to my son. I don't want it to come to that, but sadly it helps me sleep at night knowing that he and his mother could do quite well without me. Certainly better in a financial sense. And ultimately in most other senses since Devin doesn't need me to be his best friend forever; in fact, he will need me to be his worst enemy and biggest scapegoat at some point, and I can probably do that better dead than alive. Jesus.... is this a band entry? Thank fuck it's a well-hidden "diary"......